I thought the hardest part of releasing people-pleasing would be learning how to say no.
But what I didn’t expect was what would happen after I finally did.
A few years ago, I started practicing saying no more intentionally. I would say no to something small, but at that time, something that was meaningful to me.
And on the surface, nothing actually happened.
The other person didn’t react badly. There wasn’t any conflict. Everything was fine.
But as soon as I hung up the phone or walked away from the conversation, I could feel this sinking feeling, this tightness in my chest, and then my mind would start to spin.
Did I hurt their feelings? Do they think I’m selfish? Should I have just said yes even though I really didn’t want to? It would have been easier if I had just helped.
And even though nothing on the outside had gone wrong, internally I started unraveling.
I would replay the conversation over and over, trying to find where I could have softened my no.
And sometimes I would even feel this urge to go back and fix it. To send another message, explain myself more, or just take back my no completely because I couldn’t tolerate the feeling that I might not be fully liked in that moment.
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The Practice of Emotional Alchemy
One of the most powerful practices I return to again and again is called emotional alchemy.
In moments like this, when I would say no and immediately feel the guilt spiral, instead of letting the guilt lead me to over-explaining, apologizing, or taking my no back, I would practice staying present with what was happening inside of me.
I would notice the tightness in my chest, the urgency, the need to fix, the looping thoughts that kept telling me I had done something wrong.
And I would let those sensations, emotions, and thoughts be there without turning them into any action.
Challenging emotions like guilt, shame, anger, and jealousy are where we’re most likely to leave ourselves, to try to push away the discomfort because it feels unsafe. We suppress them, or sometimes we react from them.
But emotional alchemy offers a third option: staying.
And when we can stay with what we feel, something really important becomes available.
We remember that we are not our emotions.
Our emotions are temporary. They move, they shift, they pass in their own time, and we’re still here underneath them.
And from that place, we’re able to choose differently.
We’re able to not over-explain, to not collapse into guilt, to not abandon our boundary just to relieve our own discomfort.
Over time, this becomes one of the ways we learn what true self-devotion actually is: staying with ourselves through it all.
Guilt Isn’t Proof You Made the Wrong Choice
When I began to really understand how much of a people-pleaser I was and how it was impacting my life in ways that I really did not like, I thought the goal was to make feelings of guilt go away after setting and holding a boundary.
But now I know that wasn’t the point.
The point was learning that I could feel guilt without letting it make my decisions.
Every time I stayed with it instead of rushing to undo my boundary, I was teaching my nervous system that choosing myself was safe.
The truth is, choosing yourself is often just the beginning of the initiation.
The guilt that follows isn’t proof you made the wrong choice.
It’s an invitation to stay with yourself in a new way.
What Happens After You Choose Yourself?
Your version might look different.
Maybe your guilt shows up after saying no. Maybe it shows up after asking for help instead of doing everything yourself.
Maybe it appears when you take a day off, spend money on yourself, or choose to rest.
Maybe you replay a conversation over and over, wondering if you were too much, too selfish, or if someone is secretly upset with you.
Whatever this looks like in your life, I invite you to notice what happens after you choose yourself.
Does guilt immediately rush in and try to convince you to undo your choice?
Reflection
Before you go, take a few moments to journal with this question:
Before you go, I want to leave you with another question to sit with:
When I choose myself, what emotions tend to arise afterward? And how do I usually respond to them?
Continue Your Self-Devotion Journey
As we close this episode, I’d love to invite you into Self-Devoted Sisterhood, a six-month coaching experience for women who are ready to stop people-pleasing, build self-trust, and start choosing what they truly want.
Through group coaching, personalized support, and embodied practices, you’ll learn to trust yourself, set boundaries, and make decisions that feel true to you.
You can learn more and book a Self-Devotion Call through the link below.
Together, we’ll explore whether Self-Devoted Sisterhood is the right next step for you.
